Soviet Jokes

An American, a Czech, and a Russian are stranded on a desert island.
They find a lamp, rub it, and a genie offers them each 3 wishes.

The American says: "I want to be back in America.
I want a nicer house, and I want a nicer car." His wishes are granted and he
disappears.

The Czech says: "I want to be back in Czechoslovakia.
I want a nicer flat, and I want a car." His wishes are granted and he
disappears.

The Russian says: "I want a loaf of bread. I want a bottle of vodka,
and I want you to bring the American and the Czech back."
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American astronauts land on the moon and call their base in
a panic: "The Russians are already here, and they're painting the moon red."
"No problem," says the mission controller,
"Just wait until they leave and then write Coca Cola.”
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A Radio Moscow listener calls in:

-"Dear Radio Moscow.
I don't know what's the matter with me. I don't love the party any more. I feel
nothing at all for Comrade Brezhnev or any of the leaders of the Party. What
should I do?"
Radio Moscow answers:
-"Please send us your name and address.”
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A British soldier, an American solider and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on
a military exercise, and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.

"In the Russian army we have 2000 calories of food a day," said the Russian.

"Well," said the Englishman, "In the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day."

"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we have 6000 calories of food a day!"

At this, the Russian got very annoyed and exclaimed,
"Nonsense! How could one man eat so much cabbage?!."
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The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."
The poll was a total failure.
The Russians did not understand "Please".
The Italians did not know the word "honest".
The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was.
The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food".
Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

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Capitalism
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

Socialism
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Communism
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

Subsidies
You have two cows.
The government pays you to shoot one, milk the other,
and then pours the milk down the drain.

French System
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

Japanese System
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Russian System
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Certes, le système français est le meilleur. On a trois vaches et de plus, la vie est belle.

Dutch System

You have two Dutch bred cows.
Your cows die because you dont milk them daily and let them give birth without ceasection.
You smoke some weed, go f*** a whore and buy milk and meat at the store.

Swedish system:You have 2 cows.  One is given to you by the government, and the other is bought at IKEA and you fight with your gf cuz you can't figure out how to f***ing put all the parts together.

German System
You have one cow.
You blame Versailles for not having two cows
You conquer Europe and get your ass kicked by Russians

Prussian system
You have One cow
You train an army for generations
You invade Silesia to get your second cow
It's good to be gay (and to speak french)

Slovenian system
You have two cows.
Your neighbour is jealous as he wants your two cows. He calls the media, the police, both the cows are in every magazine is Slovenia, TV crews are there 24/7.
After two weeks the media forgets that the neighbour wants the two cows and leaves.
You still have two cows yet a neighbour who would kill you if he had the chance.
___
If you are de Monteynard, you decide to leave and move to France.

I heard this joke just now from my History of the Soviet Union teacher (the American Arch Getty of UCLA, here in the Netherlands for exchange program Woho)

Lenin, Stalin and Breznev are on a train.
Suddenly the train stops and they wonder what to do.

Lenin says: Let's hold a campaign, rally the workers and they will fix it.
Stalin says: Lets shoot the engineer responsible, then the other engineers will make it work.
Breznev says: Let's just move with our bodies and pretend it works

Brezhnev called together a group of cosmonauts. 'Comrades! The Americans have landed on the Moon. We here have consulted and have decided that you will go to the Sun!'

'But we will burn up, Leonid Iljich!'

'Be not afraid, comrades, the Party has thought of everything. You
will leave at night.'

Ukrainian system

You have two cows
Russian propaganda convinces one of those cows that it is not your cow at all,and that it is not ukrinian cow at all as Ukraine never existed as a state or nation, but is an experiment of stupid nationalistic polish terrorists and yankee imperialists from Pentagon, designed only to harm russian interests and not to let russian nation unite. It convinces the cow that it is a russian cow and that it had been russian citizen all the time. The cow leaves you and travels to Russia where it is slaughtered for meat for the needs of russian army.

You still have one cow. Your jealous neighbour( hello Slovenia) sends a letter to the governmental structures informing them that you have one cow and it might mean you do not pay taxes. Government receives many other reports about people who have cows.As a result the Parlaiment passes a bill (and the Government approoves it) under which all nationals possessing one cow should donate it to the Government for the needs of preparation for Euro-2012 ( or joining NATO). They take all the cows away, slaughter them and sell their meat, money for which are being half stolen by the local powers. The rest of the money are divided and stolen by Parliament and Government members. Then the press discovers that fact. Opposition sais it didn't vote for the bill , ruling coalition sais it didn't vote either.

You have no cows. You hate russians, you have Government.

Ukrainian (Slovenian/Bolshevik) system

They take all the cows away, slaughter them and sell their meat, money for which are being half stolen by the local powers. The rest of the money are divided and stolen by Parliament and Government members. Then the press discovers that fact. "Opposition says it didn't vote for the bill" (Depends on the opposition. The Democrats will say that they did not vote, the Bolsheviks will say they tried to reason with the "lying" Democrats and opposed the bill, yet still supported it) , ruling coalition says it didn't vote either (or finds some other lame excuse if Bolshevik; if Democratic they admit they made a mistake).

You have no cows. You hate the Government (happens no matter which party leads the Government).

Swiss system

You have two cows
you make perfect cheese
you have a lot of milk
you make milk chocolate
other countries are jealous of your chocolate

Grognard system
You have no cows
You dream of Napoleon at night
You pretend you know plenty of things about him and the french army
when you meet the other members, you drink alcohol
Your stomach becomes huge
You are proud to look like Napoleon

Lordz system:  You have two cows.  They are extremely old cows bought by the previous owners of the Lordz farm.  You currently take credit for everything those previous owners did to make those cows so awesome.  Then someone points out that you actually have done nothing and aren't doing anything to make those cows better nor are you capable of buying a 3rd, more better cow.  You then ban people from your farm who state the obvious.  No one likes you.

[Grognard]_Bismark a écrit:Swiss system

You have two cows
you make perfect cheese
you have a lot of milk
you make milk chocolate
other countries are jealous of your chocolate

ich mag dich

Jakob a écrit:Lordz system: You have two cows. They are extremely old cows bought by the previous owners of the Lordz farm. You currently take credit for everything those previous owners did to make those cows so awesome. Then someone points out that you actually have done nothing and aren't doing anything to make those cows better nor are you capable of buying a 3rd, more better cow. You then ban people from your farm who state the obvious. No one likes you.

Seriously though, we did add some stuff to NTW2. And no, We aren't the old team (I mean, they even started their own company :|). When we make something for ETW you can bi*** about how much it sucks then :


ps: The grognard system is the best so far.

double post

Jakob a écrit:Lordz system:  You have two cows.  They are extremely old cows bought by the previous owners of the Lordz farm.  You currently take credit for everything those previous owners did to make those cows so awesome.  Then someone points out that you actually have done nothing and aren't doing anything to make those cows better nor are you capable of buying a 3rd, more better cow.  You then ban people from your farm who state the obvious.  No one likes you.

:cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :drunk: :cheers: